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Realistic Weather

by bonnie soccer

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1.
Half-Color 03:11
A redwood you can't see the top of stands just within sight of the window of the house I grew up in that always let in so much light but now I don't recognize all I thought was mine was it all a lie adopted over time? it's all coming down from the walls tonight it was not there nothing ever came of it--the clay hands holding stones 'cus you never wanted it, you wanted to be on your own so he paints the house, from white to some color in between the walls that once held pictures were always just scaffolding but now I don't recognize all I thought was mine were we denying each other keeping quiet?
2.
Santa Fe 04:43
I don't believe that you are the right place and time I am aware that I've had one foot out the door since I arrived am I wrong? am I distracting myself again with my hands in clay thinking 'if I could just leave today?' but when I know, I know, I know I feel most free when everything is toppled when I'm somewhere in between doubt is a snake that's slowly swallowing me wherever you go there you are means I'll never outrun myself no matter how far the faintest glow feels like the sun when you've locked yourself in the dark am I wrong? am I distracting myself again? I don't need today when yesterday already knows my name I never expected to need relief from the sun but to be where the trees lean over the street has dug in my mind like a vole and it eats all the roots I've tried to grow under my feet all of my friends do they think I think them a bore when I leave and throw it on the ground right in front of me?
3.
Prograde 04:58
It could be Mercury it could be the return of Saturn but probably it's just how it is for things to be all upturned at once this could be all you need it's not that easy--I just need some time to clear my mind for me to stand on my two feet and walk on my own it's been so long since I've felt at home all you need is light filtering in through the window all you need is light filtering in through the window having a body means casting a shadow all you need is light you used to love
4.
Great Whites 03:44
You paint your house in taupe and travertine it's one of three of your properties you stay in town a few weeks however long you like, however long you please so you can get all you need a Chagall for your kid's dorm room was bought with money from the Midland oil boom borrowing all you like and leave the rest behind to fall by the wayside to get lost in the dark of night I don't want to be like you but to a certain degree I know there is nothing I can do 'cus I will always be I found blood in the cracks in the ground is that how I found it? did I sniff it out? predatory I hope is the wrong word, but who am I to say it hurts? if I continue to come and go beware of me and mine great whites
5.
Bets 04:03
There's a rabbit in the yard it's not afraid of me anymore it's not afraid of the stones that I throw anymore when I see your face it's not the same as before you are not you anymore now I drive the car no matter how near or far it is, I drive now I drive the car since you've been leaning on my arm in stride and I wish you would speak when I drive the car don't leave me now because I can't let go you used to know this one with your eyes closed I feel alive and I feel alone I feel surprised that I am so the hat that rests on your knee looks so strange on the backdrop of your blue jeans where you were always bare from your knees to your feet but now I drive the car no matter how near or far it is, I drive now I drive the car since you've been leaning on my arm in stride and I wish you would just speak to me when I drive the car
6.
7.
Puppy 05:10
No I won't I know it's not like me to stay in any one place could it be the promise of a new trade or the potential that has me so restrained? no I won't I find it so hard to leave this, though I know you won't change why do I open my heart to the way that you speak and the way you give? I'm afraid to say it's been working I don't like the way you talk to me like I don't mind the way you talk to me like am I just an opportunist waiting for the payoff? or have I been manipulated led along by a fake carrot? this is not the way you move me you blame the wood for bending the nail despite the hammer in your hand this is not the way you move me
8.
NC 42 04:40
Waking up to a foggy day, I let your dog outside we are far from Santa Fe all the way in Carolina inside feeling the twist of every sight that reminds me that everything I thought came true it feels strange living your life in between pages and different sceneries at the same time I need an answer soon I ask myself 'how did I get here?' there are never straight lines to draw to living in your house watching you feed the stray dog in your garage inside feeling the twist of every sight that reminds me that everything I thought came true it feels strange living your life in between pages and different sceneries at the same time all at the same time I'd like an answer for you I'd like an answer for me too
9.
Fruit Tree 02:04
I'm tired of competing my life away I'm tired of competing so that I can keep my body I'm tired of wanting more so that I feel okay one day I will lay down and breathe one day I will stand on my toes and reach all I need is a fruit tree
10.
I've been a mirror staring at a mirror letting the light bounce back and forth between me and the me I can see but eventually it fades it curls around the tunnel into shade nothing but darkness I've been a mirror staring at a mirror no matter how I try I know I can't go back I'd rather be the thing through which light refracts a diamond a bubble an eyelash

about

Realistic Weather spans four states, three years, and many friends. It is a reflection and expansion on the idea of home.

Popeloutchom/Amah Mutsun (Santa Cruz, CA)
Stl’pulmsh/Cowlitz/Clackamas (Portland, OR)
Jicarilla Apache/Pueblos (Santa Fe, NM)
Mánu: Yį Įsuwą/Catawba/Shakori (Durham, NC and Willow Spring, NC)

entirely recorded in Mánu: Yį Įsuwą/Catawba (Durham, NC)


(please email if you have corrections to the above indigenous nations)

credits

released May 1, 2020

photo taken in Jicarilla Apache/Pueblos/Núu-agha-tʉvʉ-pʉ̱ (Ute) (Taos, NM)

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

bonnie soccer Durham, North Carolina

sad music
for
wannabe happies

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